Thursday, September 13, 2007

It Came To Me, In A Dream

I've been a pagan since birth, although I didn't know what I believed had a name, or what it was called, until I was 12/13, the typical age. I'd been doing lots of research, the usual texts, Crowley, Adler, Starhawk, Mariechild, etc, and although I tried to find something that fit what, exactly, I believed, I never did until I was around 30.

I knew I wasn't Wiccan. The lack of the God disturbed me, and quite frankly, some of the Feminist aspects did as well. My mother, a child of European immigrants, a single parent raising a mixed race child in the late 60's/early 70's, yeah, she was the living embodiment of Feminism, still is, so that was my example of Feminism. Didn't fit with what I read in books.

Crowley was, well, he was Crowley. 'nuff said.

Starhawk was/is...very West Coast. A little too California for this New Englander.

So I dedicated myself to the Goddess when I was 12/13, knew I'd made the correct choice, although I didn't adhere to any particular philosophy. I did my own thing and was happy, although lonely. Little did I realize that the area I live in was and continues to be rife with Pagans of all flavors. A lot of Christians, Jews, and Buddhists*, too, but not too many Muslims or Hindus as far as I'm aware.

I am a classicist at heart. I feel a pull to Greece and Rome that cannot simply be explained away by education and research. My name is originally Greek, and unknowingly my first internet nickname was one Greek version of my name. As have been the other two main nicks that I use. I feel a pull to the ancient Mediterranean that sometimes frightens me, a soul-deep, dna-deep recognition and awareness that I feel no where else save Scotland. I can't help but think part of this stems from my ancestors, yet I have no proof of that whatsoever. How else can I explain the lack of interest in my American roots, African and Native American?

Some twenty years later I'm in Scotland, married, trying desperately (infertility the best way to kill your sex life, ever) to get pregnant and not only having to adjust to living in a foreign country, but being away from friends and family, too. I was stressed and depressed and in an effort to connect with the land, I began re-reading what books I had brought and what books I had bought and lo, I came to the sudden realization that the Deity I'd been looking for had been my shadow all my life. I now can't recall what the trigger was, but I was very excited and filled with trepidation.

One doesn't dedicate one's self to the Queen of Witches lightly.

But I did it. And that night, had an amazing dream, the only part of which I remember is being in a ditch in between a field of low, crops and a raised road in a hot, dry country. In retrospect I'm pretty sure it was Greece, or my imagination's idea of Greece, as I've never been there. The sky was cloudless and blue-tinted white. There was a warm breeze. And as I looked over the road, Xena, Warrior Princess, crouched before me with a gentle smile and kissed me full on the lips.

I woke from that dream with a pounding heart. The day was like a really long extension of how I felt when I'd dedicated myself to the Goddess all those long years ago, filled with excitement and hysterical joy. Makes me smile just to think of it.

For the first time in my spiritual journey, I was home. I can't begin to explain it any more than a Christin can explain being born again. It simply is.

And as I began my research into Her, whom I'd been frightened and wary of my entire life, it came clear to me that the God was there, too, although I wasn't sure in which form. Perhaps my classicist education came to the rescue, or my research, or Him, I don't know. He is Pan, Dionysius, Cernunnos. Sometimes he is Anubis, or Hermes, although not in the same way as Pan...

I connected with the land in Scotland. It was slow and sleepy from centuries of farming, but awake to those who were aware of it. I visited the Clootie Well in Munlochy with my in-laws and felt the rythms of the seasons in semi-rural Aberdeen city, the North Sea storms, the hot summer days along the beach esplanade.

It was a shock to move back to the US after 10 years abroad. Took me a good week to readjust to the land pulsing with life, the animals, the birds, the very air. Once again, I was home.

Through the miracle of Science I'm now pregnant. I'm still dedicant to Hecate, who's been with me through all of the pain and loneliness of infertility, and now the fear and terror of being a pregnant infertile. I'm old and fat and hoping I have a real, life baby next year. Gods willing.

In a nutshell, that's me.

Welcome to my blog.

Hekateris and co.

*yes, yes, I know. I'm including them for the sake of simplicity.

1 comment:

MissNoAngel (find me on Twitter) said...

Hi & thanks for the comment on my blog. Congrats on your victory over infertility! I enjoyed reading your posts thus far - I too feel a strange spiritual connection with Rome/Italy in general. At first I thought it was just because my father is Italian...but when I finally got myself over there it was an emotional and thrilling experience and I realized that it was much more than that. =) I look forward to reading more from you, take care!